Unknown Science Theater 3000
by No Limit 5
Summary: In the not too distant future, a girl named Rika was shot her into space by her enemies! "We'll send her silly stories, the worst we can find!" She'll try to keep his sanity with the help of her friends. Read for Unknown Science Theater 3000...! *TWANG!*
1. Kingdom Hearts: Society of Souls Part 1

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_Next Sunday, A.D.,_

_There was this girl named Rika,_

_Not too different from you or me._

_She took a job she didn't like,_

_And tried to tell it to take a hike,_

_But gave up and took it in grace,_

_But then her enemies didn't like her so they shot her into space!_

_Rika: OH, COME ON?_

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_Way down in Deep 13,_

_Lady Purity and her Purifiers were hatching an evil scheme._

_They found a kid by the name of Kai,_

_A regular guy they thought should die._

_Their experiment needed a good test case,_

_So they conked him on the noggin and then shot him into space!_

_Kai: GET ME DOWN!_

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_Somewhere in time and space,_

_Ashi and his other pals are caught in a nasty place._

_They try to survive the wrath of Purity,_

_An evil gal who wants to rule the world._

_From her fortress below, she sets her sights above,_

_Just to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love!_

_Ashi: Now what?_

_Purity: We'll send them silly stories!_

_The Purifiers: The worst we can find!_

_(La-la-la!)_

_They'll have to sit and read them all,_

_And we'll monitor their minds!_

_(La-la-la!)_

_Now keep in mind that they can't control,_

_Where the stories begin or end._

_(La-la-la!)_

_Because the writer thought it'd be fun to follow this trend!_

_CHARACTER ROLE CALL:_

_T.O.M.!_

"_You're on!"_

_Rika!_

"_Bite me."_

_Kai!_

"_Why me?"_

_Ashiiiii!_

"_Who do I have to kill?"_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe and other science facts,_

_(La-la-la!)_

_Just repeat yourself, "It's just a MST,_

_I should really just relax!"_

_For **Unknown Science Theater 3000**!_

_(TWANG!)_

Rika walked through the dank, empty, cold, and yet festive corridors of the Satellite of Love; her footsteps echoing around her. Pausing for a moment, she peeked out a window to a hatch with a sign that read "DO NOT OPEN UNLESS OPENER DESIRES DEATH BY ASPHYXIATION". She saw nothing but the darkness of space, the slight twinkles of stars, and the planet Earth that the SOL was orbiting. Rika sighed and preceded her trek down the corridor, passing through several oddly created doorways. Upon entering the main deck, Rika spotted Kai sitting on a part of their new-home spacecraft that she thought really should not be sat on.

"What are you up to, Kai?" she asked, shoving her hands into her blue jumpsuit's pockets.

Kai looked up from the ground and greeted Rika with a nod. "Oh, hey! I was just running through the movies we saw this year and I'm trying to figure out which one would probably win Best Animated Feature –"

"_Toy Story 3_," she immediately answered.

Kai blinked. "Um, well, yes. _Toy Story 3_ was indeed an excellent movie and I loved it, but it has some stiff competition this year…"

"_Toy Story 3_," Rika repeated.

"But there's _How to Train Your Dragon_, _Legend of the Guardians_, and that upcoming Disney's _Tangled_…"

"What part of '_Toy Story 3_' do you not understand?"

Kai burst out in tears and buried his face in his hands, staining his red jumpsuit. "You're right! How could I possibly question the incredible storytelling, heartbreaking moments, and strikingly beautiful scenes of Pixar?"

"I'm glad we have an understanding." Rika smiled as she patted her friend's back.

The doorway flew open once again as Ash in his nauseatingly yellow-version of their jumpsuits entered. "Hey, the Insanos are calling."

Rika groaned and rolled her eyes. "Wonderful."

The three turned to a massive circular viewing screen, which promptly flickered on with the image of Mistress Purity. "Greetings, Rika – and friends," she said. "I trust you're enjoying your staying conditions?"

"Oh, yeah. Totally," Kai said. "I especially love how my room's ceiling is leaking…and we're in _space_."

"Oh, your needs," Purity chuckled. "What do you have for your Invention Exchange this week, hmm?"

"Well, sirs," Rika said as she held up a Nintendo Wii Remote out of seemingly nowhere, "have you ever gotten a phone call right when you're in the middle of doing battle with Bowser over the bootie of Princess Peach? It's ever so frustrating to simply just PAUSE your game to go answer it."

"But with our patented Controller Phone, you needn't to get your behind off the seat ever again!" Kai added, holding up another Wii Remote only with a dial pad on it. He held it up to his ear. "Hello? Why, yes! I would like to hear more about this golden opportunity at whatever you're offering, you blood-sucking lifeless sap!"

"What do you think, sirs?" Ashi asked.

"Mankind is growing lazier by the year, aren't we?" Purity muttered. "Bring out our invention, my children!"

The little child Purifier, Avidita saluted. "Right away, ma'am! Don't you just hate it whenever you buy a new product and you have to read the instruction manual when you much rather be having fun with your new toy? I know I have!"

"Well, look no further than with the Intruc-ta-Laser!" the short young general Purifier, Enojo declared. He held up a pistol-like device and pointed it at his own head.

"Don't do it; you have so much to live for!" Rika shouted.

"Do it; make us have something to live for!" Kai countered.

"Just insert the instruction manual here; and, with a pull of a trigger, you have a grand understanding on how your new product works!" Purity said. "Well? What do you think?"

"Something tells me that thing's a lawsuit ready to happen…" Ashi mumbled.

Purity huffed, her left eyelid twitching. "Oh, forget it. Your very first experiment is actually going to be a rather long-term project. It is the very first fanfiction of a young author by the name of…oh; I can't seem to recall his name at the moment. We'll just refer to him as 'NL' for now. It's NL's _Kingdom Hearts III: Society of Souls_. May God have mercy on your souls."

"Oh, lord." Kai's eyes widened. "Another _Kingdom Hearts 3_ fan story? We won't be able to survive the first page!"

Klaxon alarms rung off as well as red and blue flashing lights. "We've got Story Sign!" Rika screamed.

* * *

(Rika, Kai & Ashi took their seats in a tiny theater)

**Hi! This is my first fanfic, so please be gentle. I mean you can make comments how to make my fic better, but no flames.**

Ashi: Welcome to the Internet, kid.

**Also to all FF fans, before I started playing Kingdom Hearts I didn't know that much of FF (I was mostly a Disney fan). So please, if any of the FF characters seem OOC, please let me know how to fix it. Thanks!**

Kai: I hope I'm not the only one getting kiss-ass vibes from this guy.

**Disclaimer: This is going to be a long fic so I'm only going to say this once.**

Rika: All the better to torture us, huh?

**I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy or the jokes I make, except a few (got most from T.V., movies and junk).**

Ashi: Why are you even bothering to write this then if you aren't coming up with anything original?

**The only thing I own is this story and the character No Limit and his family. No Limit's teammates are based and created by my friends.**

Rika: Wow, and couldn't even come up with original characters on your own? We're in for a treat.

_**Kingdom Hearts III: Society of Souls**_

Kai: Are we venturing into _Bleach_ territory?

**Did you always think that everything in the world can be divided in to good and evil?**

Rika: Hell no.

**Light and Darkness?**

**Yin and Yang?**

**All I can say is…**

…**your pretty much right.**

Kai: (spits out his drink, despite lacking a drink) What kind of theme is that? There's no such thing as "gray" areas of morality? Someone needs to slap some sense into this kid!

**The name's No Limit. Limit or NL for short. This is my story.**

Rika: We're in for a self-insert fanfic. Be afraid, people. Be very afraid.

**Okay, this is Sora's story, but I'm just as important.**

Ashi: I didn't think I'd ever come across someone more self-important than I am.

**Oops, got to save someone, but will be back in a sec…**

Kai: Wait.

Rika: Hold on a second.

Ashi: Huh?

**5 hours later…**

**Whoa…that's a tough guy!**

Ashi: What just happened?

Rika: I think the story just gave up.

Kai: And what's with all the ellipsis?

**Anyway, let me start the story at where we last left Sora and the gang…**

Rika: You know how omnipresent narrators are rarely used? It's because of this.

_**Dear Sora, Riku, and Kairi;**_

_**I'm sorry for cutting your vacation short, but I'm afraid there is still trouble brewin' in the universe.**_

_**I need y'all to get yourselves to Radiant Garden (or Hollow Bastion for who didn't know of the name change). Go straight to Leon and he'll fill y'all in.**_

Kai: "Y'all"? Since when did Mickey Mouse become a cowboy?

_**Chip n' Dale has already provided you guys with a gummi ship. It's at the island on an island.**_

Ashi: Gee, that's real specific. Perhaps he's talking about Manhattan?

_**Donald n' Goofy would've gladly have come and pick ya up, but I already sent them on another mission.**_

_**Also, the roads to the worlds have changed so the ship has been set on autopilot. Just push the biiiig red button.**_

Rika: "Because you three are that stupid."

_**Why is it always the big red button, Chip?**_

_**That's because everyone thinks a big and red button would do it, Your Majesty,**_

Kai: Is – is this fic mocking _itself_ now?

Rika: Quit doing our jobs!

_**also because Dale's nose is big and red.**_

_**Hey?**_

_**Sorry for putting conversations in the letter,**_

Rika: What, is the guy writing down everything they're dictating?

_**anyway high tail it to Radiant Garden and QUICK.**_

_**What? The ship won't arrive on time until the day after the letter?**_

Ashi: Hey, um, NL? THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

_**Oh well, then spend the rest of the day preparing. After that, high tail it to Radiant Garden. Now, to tell Leon that you guys are going to be late.**_

_**Your Pal;**_

_**Mickey**_

Kai: Golly gee, I wish my pal was a giant rodent king.

Rika: One has to wonder how many Nutcracker jokes we can weasel out of that.

**After Sora, Riku, and Kairi finished reading the letter that Kairi found in a bottle, Kairi asked, "Do you know what this means?"**

**"It means cartoon characters are crazy," Sora joked.**

Rika, Kai & Ashi: HA!

**"It MEANS we got to get ready for the journey and quick," Riku stated.**

**Kairi then said, "But, you guys we have to ask our parents first before we go on this big adventure."**

**"Hakuna Matata, Kairi.**

Rika: Yes, please. Insert more random references. That'll definitely earn you the respect of your fellow writing peers.

**I'm sure our parent will say yes" Sora said coolly.**

Kai: Let me guess…

**"**_**NO**_**"**

Kai: Ah, predictable joke is predictable.

_**End of Chapter**_

_**A/N**_**: Sorry if it's short. I'll update when I get at least 3 reviews, cus I want to see what y'all think of my fic…either that or I'll wait 2 days.**

Rika: Here's my review: "Spell ''cause' correctly before you continue."

Kai: For that matter, stop using "y'all"!

Ashi: And way to manipulate your readers. Review me or I won't update? What an arrogant douche.

Rika: I can only imagine it gets worse from here.

* * *

I should probably explain what this is, mmm? Basically, I decided to do MST fic on my very first fanfiction. Yes. I know. It's complete and utter crap. I wish it had never existed and want the guy who wrote this to die – oh, yeah. That guy is me.

Hope you get a kick out of this. If not…well, I'm a massive failure.

**CURRENTLY ACCEPTING FANFICTION SUBMISSIONS FOR RIFFING! MUST BE OFFERED BY ORIGINAL WRITER!**


	2. Kingdom Hearts: Society of Souls Part 2

Kai: So, where did we leave off?

Rika: Cowboy Mickey told three prepubescent kids to save the world while not being funny.

Kai: Ah, right.

_**A/N**_**: Since this is still the beginning of the fic, you make some suggestions of what FF and Disney characters you like to appear in this fic. Any pairings would be nice too, since I don't really know who to pair together.**

Ashi: Ah, yes, because asking people on the Internet about pairings is a REALLY good idea.

**Also, I forgot to add in Mickey's letter that the gummi ship was to arrive at their island the day after they receive the letter. I'll change it, when I feel like it.**

Rika: My, aren't WE productive?

_**Chapter 2: Meeting with the Parents**_

Kai: Starring Ben Stiller!

**"Why not?" Sora asked his (Sky and Kaze) and Riku's parents (Suna and Hayashi) along with Kairi's grandmother (Nami) at Sora's house.**

Rika: My uncle (Bob) is cool.

Kai: As is my dog (Spike).

**Sky answered rather sadly, "That's, because you just got back from your last journey. That was a YEAR, by the way! I mean yes, you did save us all and the islands when the world sank in to darkness, but you're still our babies."**

Ashi: There's a reason Sora's mom never showed up outside of a voice.

**"But Mrs. Sora's mom,**

Kai: Yes, let's all listen to the fifteen-year-old talking like he's ten years younger.

**we must go! Its either that or we let the worlds fade back to darkness again!" Riku debated.**

Rika: Don't worry! I've got a flashlight!

**Kaze then said to the rest of the parents, "You guys, I think we should let them go. These kids already proved that they can be by themselves. They must go!**

Kai: "I've already rented out Sora's room to the island's resident hobo!"

**They have to help their friends, protect people, and save everyone from the darkness. I'm sure that they and their friends will take care of each other. They have already beaten the bad guy, save the worlds, brought back worlds that have already faded into the darkness and saved our world and lives.**

Ashi: "I LIKE repeating things over again!"

**I doubt babies can do that. Anyway with that said, I say we vote right now if they go on their journey or not." Dan raised his hand high in the air, proud of this speech.**

Rika: Wait. Who the hell's "Dan"?

Kai: If I recall correctly, NL changed the parents' names after the initial posting. I assume he must've missed this one.

Rika: Oh, joy.

**Kairi then whispered to Sora, "Why does your dad make so many speeches?"**

**"He watched American Pie too many times," Sora whispered back, putting his face in his hands.**

Ashi: "No, seriously. I think smell booze coming off him."

**"How does that have to do with him making speeches?"**

**"His favorite character was Jim's Dad."**

Rika: Okay, that's sort of funny. _Sort of_.

**After a long an awkward silence, Kaze looked defeated and started to lower his hand. Just then, Nami raised her hand and smiled toward Sora, Kairi, Riku, and Kaze warmly.**

Ashi: Huh, so Nami quit being a pirate to be in this. Gotta say, that's a rather poor career choice.

**Kaze immediately smiled back and his hand shot right back up again. Suna and Hayashi looked at each other and nodded. They also raised their hands. Everyone was now looking at Sky. She then sighed deeply, placed her forefinger and thumb on her temples, and raised her hand as well.**

Kai: That's right, succumb to the pressure of your peers.

**Sora, Kairi, Riku, and Kaze then shouted, "YES".**

Kai: "I'm shouting along with the kids for some reason! YES!"

**"Why'd you shout yes?" Suna asked Kaze.**

**"Somebody actually listened to my speech!"**

Rika: (deadpan) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kai: I'll give it credit for at least pointing out how stupid the characters are acting.

**"BUT, you must contact us every 7 days, otherwise we're going to build our own gummi ship and find you kids," Sky warned.**

**"How are we supposed to contact you? The islands aren't exactly that advanced, besides a gummi ship shop," Riku said.**

**"Oh, wait a sec," Sora said as he got up and ran upstairs to his room. After 4 minutes, Sora ran back downstairs caring 2 white cell phones.**

**"Here," Sora said as he handed one to his mom.**

**"These are special phones that my friend Stitch gave me during my last adventure. These phones are the Intergalactic Cell Phones of the Universe. We can call each other on these phones."**

Ashi: Deus ex machina phones. How quaint.

**"Great! What your phone's number?" Hayashi asked.**

**"Oh right. Here my phone's number…" Sora said as he handed them a rip piece of paper with a phone number that had about twenty numbers on it.**

Kai: Little do they know that that number actually connects to a phone-sex line.

**The gang spent the rest of the day packing and getting ready for their journey. When Kaze was helping Sora pack his clothes, Kaze asked "Why aren't you packing the clothes you originally had?"**

**"I already told you. The clothes I have have magical abilities and functions, so they're better for the trip," Sora explained, rolling his eyes, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.**

Rika: (valley-girl-tone) Cha. Don't you know anything about CLOTHES?

**"One more question. Do I detect you and Kairi have a little something, something?" Kaze said jokingly.**

**"WHAT?" Sora choked out.**

Kai: "You know perfectly well that I'm in love with Riku!"

Ashi: (slaps his head) Stop baiting the fangirls.

**"I know that you had a crush on her, ever since you saw her," Kaze said approvingly. "And I absolutely support you one-hundred percent. Although, I think its time we had 'THE TALK'." Air quotes and all.**

**"GET OUT OF MY ROOM, DAD!" Sora screamed as he pushed his dad out of the room.**

**"…" Kaze quickly said before being shoved out of the room.**

Rika: Huh, I always wondered how you say a word that isn't a word.

**After Sora closed the door, he leaned his back on the door and thought, **_**Man, I really have to get rid of those American Pie DVDs.**_

Rika: You know, in case the first joke didn't take.

_**Although he is right about one thing. How am I going to get Kairi to like me?**_

**He pondered that, as he accidentally stepped on his key chains (the key chains were in a shoebox on the floor, without a cover), and breaking every last one of them, except the Kingdom Key, Oblivion, and Ultima Weapon chain, because Kingdom Key was the Keyblade's true form and was indestructible, Oblivion was in his pocket and Ultima Weapon was made by Moogles, so it was indestructible as well.**

Kai: Wait, what?

Ashi: I think we need to break that run-on down. Stepped on them? Why would he leave something as important as those on the floor?

Rika: And spouting out exposition randomly like that is awesome writing.

**"**_**Way to go, you idiot!**_**" said a voice in Sora's head.**

Kai: Dear lord, I think the kid's gone mad.

**"Shut up Roxas," Sora said hitting the side of his head. From my sources, (HA! Probably forgot that I was telling the story!)**

Rika: Yes, thanks for ruining it.

**Sora and Roxas were able to communicate with each other within their heads, and the same thing goes for Kairi and Namine.**

Ashi: It was incredibly awkward during "happy time".

Kai: Ick.

_**DUDE, you do realize that without those key chains, the Keyblade won't have its extra powers, that the key chains give it!**_

_**Calm down Roxas, the Keyblade is strong as it is. And besides, I'm sure the guys could give me replacements for them.**_

_**You're just lucky you already returned Kairi's charm, otherwise she would have gone all 'SORA, YOU BROKE MY LUCKY CHARM!' on your ass!**_

Rika: Oooooh, he used the A-word! "Mature-audiences only."

_**Yeah, I guess am lucky about that.**_

_**Anyway, now about this Kairi situation…**_

_**I thought I told you to not read my thought when I'm not talking to you!**_

Kai: "No worries. You never think anyway."

_**Hey, I just wanted to help.**_

_**I can handle it myself, thanks**_

_**I just don't want you to mess things up with Kairi. I might not see… oh crap!**_

_**Roxas! Do you like Namine?**_

_**Talktoyoulater**_

_**I'm not done with you,**_** Sora thought without getting an answer.**

Rika: Hilarity!

Ashi: Next week, on a very special episode, Sora catches Roxas with vaguely-defined drugs! How will this affect their relationship?

**The next day while Kairi and Nami were having breakfast, Nami noticed that Kairi was silent for a very long time and she seemed as though she is in extreme deep thought.**

**Nami then asked, "Kairi, is something wrong?"**

**"No, I'm fine," Kairi lied as she put on an obviously fake smile.**

Rika: "Just gas."

**Nami raised one eyebrow and asked, "Really, so it doesn't involve you going back to our home world?"**

**Kairi made a surprised face and asked, "How did you know?"**

Kai: "Have you been reading my dairy? Ignore September 6th's entry!"

**"Kairi, I knew you long enough that whenever you have something on your mind, you make that silly face when I ask that question," Nami answered smartly.**

Rika: "What silly face?"

Ashi: "Awkward…"

**Kairi sighed and said, "Yeah, I'm just thinking how much has changed since we left. From what Sora told me, Radiant Garden has really come along since when the Heartless appeared. Although I just can't help, but feel that I should have been there and help everyone restore it."**

**Nami sighed as well**

Kai: "Why is my granddaughter such a hippie?"

**and said, "Kairi, there wasn't anything we could do. If we didn't leave, we would have all turned into Heartless. Besides, you still helped everyone when you help Sora**

Rika: "When you HELPED," lady. Past tense.

**, Riku, Donald, Goofy, and King Mickey at The World That Never Was and I believe you can still help everyone once you reach the Garden."**

**Kairi noticed that her grandmother had said that last sentence rather strangely**

Ashi: "Her eyes went cross-eyed and her false teeth fell out when she did."

**and asked, "What do you mean by…"**

**"Oh, would you look at the time! You got to get going. You're to leave any second!" Nami said quickly and got up from the table to go to Kairi's room to grab her luggage. Kairi just sat the dining room table, staring at the door her grandmother just left through.**

Rika: Gotta admit, that's one fine looking door to stare at.

_**End of Chapter**_

_**

* * *

**_I didn't have much to work with this chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it nevertheless. I also hope I don't have to explain that the quotations are Rika, Kai and Ashi imitating the characters.

**CURRENTLY ACCEPTING FANFICTION SUBMISSIONS FOR RIFFING! MUST BE OFFERED BY ORIGINAL WRITER!**


	3. Kingdom Hearts: Society of Souls Part 3

_**A/N**_**: I got to stop posting **_**A/Ns**_**…**

Kai: No kidding.

_**Chapter 3: The Departure**_

Rika: I love that movie!  
Ashi: Wrong "Departed".

**As Kairi and Nami made their way to the island, Kairi wondered what her grandmother had meant. **_**"…And I believe you can still help everyone once you reach the Garden."**_

**Kairi thought, **_**How could grandma know what I do at Radiant Garden? Could she have some contact with the Garden, or King Mickey?**_

Rika: "It's not like that it was something any person trying to comfort someone else would say!"

"**We're here, honey."**

**Kairi's thought bubble immediately burst and saw that they were at the pier. Riku, Sora, and their parents were already there, Kairi thought, considering that their boats were already at the pier.**

Kai: Nice consistency with the italics, bud.

**Kairi helped her grandmother off the boat and started the walk over the beach to the island. As Kairi and Nami were walking over the bridge, she saw that Tidus, Wakka and Selphie had come to see them off.**

Ashi: Who the hell are they? You can't just introduce characters without warning, story!

"**Hey, good luck on your journey, you guys," Tidus said as he cupped hands with Riku.**

"**Thanks guys. Hope to see you all soon," Riku said letting go.**

Kai: "I love you…"  
Ashi: What did I tell you about fan girls?

"**Sooner than you think, mon," Wakka said with a devious smile.**

Rika: Hello, Jamaican stereotype! Nice of you to drop by.

"**What's that supposed to mean?" Sora asked.**

**Wakka shook his head. "Nothin' mon. Just saying we'll see you soon."**

Ashi: Wow. Subtle as a brick.

"**Hey you guys!" Kairi shouted as she waved to Tidus, Wakka and Selphie, with them waving back.**

"**Kairi!" Selphie exclaimed with excitement.**

"**I'msosadthatyourleavingI''tworrybecause…"**

Kai: Did something get cut out?  
Rika: Someone get the tranquilizer gun!

**Selphie tried to continue, but Wakka and Tidus grabbed her and covered her mouth. "Sorry about that. She uh…got high from eating 20 pixie stixs!" Tidus quickly thought.**

"**AGAIN?" Sora gasped.**

Rika: *snickers* Okay, that was also kind of funny.

_**That's weird. Wakka said something about seeing us soon. Then, Selphie said she shouldn't worry about being sad of seeing Kairi leaving. What are those three up to? **_**Riku thought to himself.**

Rika: Subtlety? What's that?

"**Um, Sora can I speak to you for a second?" Kaze asked his son.**

"…**Okaayyy," Sora said, slightly worried what he wanted to talk about. Kaze smiled and pulled Sora to the seashore shack.**

Kai: I need an adult!  
Ashi: But he's his dad.  
Kai: I need a cop!

"**Okay Sora, I would like you to have this," Kaze handed Sora a small, box-shaped, wrapped in brown package.**

_**Knowing him, it's probably a box of condoms,**_** Sora thought.**

Rika: *snickers* Another funny gag, albeit poorly worded.  
Ashi: I think I just spotted a Horseman in the sky.

"**Go on. Open it!" Kaze said with excitement.**

**Sora sighed and started to rip off the brown paper, and opened the box. "Wow," Sora said surprised.**

Kai: Neat, he can say two words at the same time?  
Ashi: Big deal. I can do the same. Bat'leth!  
Rika: Nice try, "Worf."

**Inside the box was a keychain, like the ones for the Keyblade. The keychain's end was a small picture frame with a picture of Sora and his father on it. The name **_**A Fathers Love**_** suddenly went through Sora's head, instantly telling him that was the keychain's name.**

Ashi: Kid's got problems.

**Sora a genuine smile and said, "Thanks a lot, Dad".**

Rika: "Normally I'd be too creeped out to speak, but I guess I repressed it!"

**Kaze smiled too and said, "Sora. I know I embarrass you sometimes, but I do it because I care about you. I love you, son," Kaze, than pulled Sora into a hug.**

**Sora felt embarrassed, not from the hug, but from what he thought about his dad. "I love you too, Dad," Sora said truthfully.**

Rika: I think I just developed diabetes.  
Kai: Okay, honest review here: That was kind of, sort of sweet. Poorly written, but still sweet.

"**AWWWWW," Riku, Tidus, and Wakka said.**

**Sora winced. "Excuse me, but my dad and I are having a very sentimental, non-gay moment right now.**

Rika: *snickers* Dammit! Stop making me laugh at your cheesy jokes! They're not that well written!

**So please let us have our moment."**

**Riku nodded understandingly and pulled Tidus and Wakka away, who were laughing like idiots.**

Ashi: "Get your own RPG to fool around with!"

*beat*

Ashi: Wait.

"**Now, I also want you to have this," Kaze said as he broke the hug and snapped his fingers, as if he just remembered something. He pulled out another small package, handing it to Sora. Sora opened the package, to find that it was a book.**

"_**SEX FOR DUMMIES!"**_** Sora shouted himself hoarse.**

Kai: Ouch. Even his old man knows of his ineptitude.

"**I knew you would like it!" Kaze said as though Sora shouted of joy instead of anger.**

Rika: Thanks for explaining the joke!

"**Gee, thanks Dad," Sora said through gritted teeth.**

_**What a great way to end a sentimental, non-gay moment!**_** Sora thought angrily.**

Rika: What did I just tell you, boy?

**Sora, Kairi, and Riku waved good-bye to their parents and their friends. As Sora waved he saw his dad making hand signs to read the book. Sora sat down in the pilot seat. "So, where's the button?" Sora said with his hands behind his head.**

"**Hmm…is this it?" Kairi said smartly as she pointed to a round red button on the wall, the size of refrigerator.**

Kai: Hey, NL? Visual humor doesn't translate well into prose. So stop doing it!

**The gummi ship's engines started to fire up. Once it was roaring, the ship started rising, and took off to space.**

Rika: And its occupants were promptly crushed into masses of flesh from the g-forces.

"**Hey Sora, how long does it usually take for a gummi ship to fly to another world?" Kairi asked.**

"**I don't know. Usually, Donald, Goofy, and I had to fight off a bunch of Heartless and Nobody ships as soon as we took off, so I was usually busy fighting and didn't really pay attention to time. Though, I estimate five hours."**

"**FIVE HOURS! HOW CAN YOU FIGHT OFF SHIPS FOR FIVE HOURS?" Kairi shouted.**

**Sora smiled and asked, "Is that out of concern for me or out of surprise?"**

"**Uh…um…you see…uh…GOOD NIGHT," Kairi quickly said and started to pretend to fall asleep.**

Ashi: This awkward teen moment has been brought to you by Mediocrity!

**Sora smile even more and thought, **_**Maybe she already likes me.**_

_**WOW! Did you figure that out yourself?**_

_**Shut up, Roxas.**_

**Riku smiled and thought to himself, **_**Those two belong together.**_

Kai: What are you, the matchmaker?

**After about an hour, everyone was fast asleep.**

Ashi: Their ship was then invaded by space pirates that slaughtered the lot of them. THE END. *attempts to run*  
Kai: *catches his sleeves, pulling him down* You're not getting out of this so easily.

**Sora dreamt of himself and Kairi on the island's beach holding hands. "Kairi, I don't know how to say this, I mean thought about this a long time, ever since I met you. Anyway, there is reason I asked you here and…"**

"**Shh," Kairi shushed as she put her finger on Soras lips. "I love you too."**

Rika: Ugh, enough with the lovely-dovey crap!

**Sora smiled as she got closer to him for the kiss. As she got closer, Sora closed his eyes, but suddenly…**

_**End of Chapter**_

Ashi: That's…that's how you end your chapter? You end with "suddenly…"? One of the oldest clichés in the book? *looking ready to pop a blood vessel*

Kai: Trust me. The worst is yet to come. Next chapter is going to hurt. Bad.

* * *

Next chapter really is one of the worst things I have ever written. Prepare yourselves.

**CURRENTLY ACCEPTING FANFICTION SUBMISSIONS FOR RIFFING! MUST BE OFFERED BY ORIGINAL WRITER!**


	4. Kingdom Hearts: Society of Souls Part 4

_**Chapter 4: The Dream**_

…**Sora felt himself plunge into darkness.**

Rika: This is what we call, "Inception".

**All he could see was pitch blackness.**

Kai: Racist little punk, ain't he?

**It was as though he was sailing through the sky. Then, he saw a white portal, and went through it. The light was so blinding, that he had to shield his eyes with his hands. Sora then felt he land on the ground.**

Ashi: Do try to keep your tenses straight, nyeh?

**Sora uncovered his eyes, only to shield them again when he found himself within a sandstorm.**

Rika: "Because I totally wouldn't have noticed the sand blowing all around me!"

**He was able to see that he was in a desert.**

Rika: Really? I thought we were in the ocean.

**The storm subsided, and Sora was then able to lower his arms. He gasped in amazement and fear when he saw that he was at the direct center of a crossroads. On the outsides of the crossroads, were hundreds, maybe thousands, of Keyblades.**

Kai: "It's as if I entered a Japanese role-playing game!"

_**It's like a graveyard,**_** Sora thought.**

Ashi: Here lies Tetsuya Nomura, deeply ashamed for his part in creating a universe that was easy to make fan fiction of.

**"Where are we?"**

**Sora startled, jumped and saw that Roxas was standing right next to him. Roxas wasn't transparent either, Sora noticed.**

Kai: *snorts* So he used to be a ghost now?

**"Roxas, what are you doing here?" Sora asked.**

**Roxas shook his head. "No idea. I think it's because we share dreams or something."**

**"Yeah…hey wait! Does that mean you saw my dream with…"**

Rika: *snickers* Dammit! Again?

**"Quiet Sora. Someone's coming."**

Ashi: "Shouldn't we look away?"

Kai: Dude. No. Just no.

**Sora looked at where Roxas indicated and saw that three people were coming towards them, from three of the roads. They looked like knights. Their bodies were covered with armor**

Rika: Well, that's generally what knights look like.

**which was completely black and also wore long, flowing capes. Their suits were the exactly the same except for a few noticeable differences. There was one man and two women, all of them carrying Keyblades. The man's helmet had long horns as did one of the women.**

Kai: Because they were Satan's hellions.

_**Something's wrong with those people and their Keyblades,**_** Sora and Roxas thought together, which spooked them both. Then, they saw that the male was not only carrying two Keyblades, but his Keyblades had no keychains. Sora and Roxas started looking around and saw that the Keyblades in the graveyard also had no keychains.**

_**What does this mean?**_** they both thought anxiously.**

Rika: Maybe because they prefer key rings?

**"**_**An interesting question, indeed."**_

**Both startled, looked at the knights, but realized that the knights weren't the ones who said that. The graveyard and the knights disappeared as though they were made of sand and the wind blew them away.**

Ashi: Ah. Self-cleaning corpses. How helpful.

**"Who said that?" Sora asked into the air.**

**"**_**I did."**_

Kai: *hides his face behind his hands* Here it comes.

**Suddenly, a floating figure appeared as if it was invisible the whole time and decided to make itself known. The figure was a young man. Sora and Roxas believed that he was about 14 judging by his size.**

Rika: No…

**He was about five foot four, and his hair pitch black. He wore a black leather jacket without a zipper but with a hood. White lines were on the edges of the jacket. On the inside of the jacket was a tight Hazmat-like, silk suit without sleeves. He had a white belt, tight plain white boots, and plain white leather gloves.**

Ashi: It can't be…

**He wore a white mask and black goggles with a white strap just above the mask. Most interesting thing though, is that on the center of his Hazmat suits chest was the letters NL that intercepted with each other (**_**A/N**_**: Anyone know who this guy is yet?).**

Rika: That little speck of respect I had for this kid? *raspberry*

**"Who are you?" Roxas asked.**

**The figure smiled a huge smile and answered, "My name is No Limit. Limit or NL for short (**_**A/N**_**: Wow is that déjà vu or what?)**

Ashi: *eye twitching* Smugness levels…rising!

**Nice to finally meet you two!" NL shook hands with Sora, then Roxas.**

**Sora, a little startled by all this, asked, "Sorry for being rude, but did you bring us here?"**

**"And how do you know us?" Roxas asked.**

Kai: Perfectly legitimate questions. In fact, why are we here? What possible sin have we committed that would reap such a punishment upon our damned souls? *Ashi slaps him* Thanks. I needed that.

**"Oh right, yeah I sorta brought you here. And I knew you guys your whole lives."**

Rika: "Because, you know, stalking is cool."

**NL slapped his forehead. "You see, I have many special abilities and one of them is dream manipulation. Which reminds me, sorry for interrupting your kiss with Kairi, Sora."**

**"Uhh…no problem." Sora said curiously.**

Kai: "I wonder if I should kick this guy's ass?"

**"Anyway, I had to manipulate your dream to show you these people…"**

**"WAIT! Why are you showing us these people? Who are you? How do you know us, if you're a year younger than us?" Roxas said, getting confused by what was going on.**

Ashi: "And how did I know how old you are?"

**NL sighed, "Man, I really hate knowing stuff that other people don't know. I bet my readers really hate people like that too. OH CRAP! I just broke the fourth wall! Readers hate people who do that even MORE! Like this one time I told Kim Possible was to marry Ron Stoppable and…"**

Rika: *having a spasm* His Gary-Stu-ness is giving me a seizure!

**Sora leaned over to Roxas and asked, "Is it just me or is this guy's goggles cut off his brains circulation?"**

Rika: *snickers* Stop showing glimpses of a sense of humor!

**Roxas shook his head and answered, "I don't know. I can sense that he has an enormous power and wisdom, but he's so young."**

Kai: "It's as if he can control the universe itself!"

Rika: "Nah, that only happens in crappy fan stories."

**"…and boy, did I have to time travel to fix everything," NL chuckled. "Anyway, in order, I have to show you these people, because you have to face off against these people to determine the fate of the worlds. I, as I said before, am No Limit. And you'll find out my background later."**

Rika: Foreshadowing? What's that?

**Roxas than asked,**

Ashi: Then! English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

**"Okay…since we can't find out any info on you,**

Kai: Because, you know, God wills it.

**who were those people?"**

**"Okay um…how can I put this? You know when people become Heartless, and a Nobody is created? How the Heartless is the hearts of people that got infected with darkness and Nobodies are the bodies of the people? Well…what's left?" NL said as he clapped his hands together. Sora and Roxas looked confident in the answer and started to lift their pointing fingers and to open their mouths…only to close them and put on confused looks. NL smiled and said, "The **_**soul**_**, you guys, the soul.**

Kai: Soul power, bitches.

**You see, when a Heartless and a Nobody is created, the soul of them still lives on. And the soul…"**

**"Wait a minute. Xemnas told us that the Nobodies held the souls of the people they were," Roxas asked.**

**"Please let me finish," NL said as he held up one of his gloved hands.**

Kai: "Don't MAKE me bend you over my knee and spank your –"

Ashi: Dammit, Kai, told you to cut it out!

**"That is partially true. Both the Heartless and Nobody holds the soul. A least, part of it. The soul is divided into two parts. The memory and emotions. The Heartless holds the emotions, and that's why the Heartless are focused on instinct. Nobodies hold the memory and that's why they remember most of their lives before they became Nobodies. Although, a great majority of both goes to who-knows-where. Personally, I think they go to heaven or Kingdom Hearts."**

Rika: Now who wants a Bible?

**"But wait. How come I could have my memory back, when I became a Heartless?" Sora asked.**

**"That's, because your heart was running on emotions. Your love for Kairi resulted in you following your instinct to protect Kairi."**

Ashi: Love: Being a deus ex machina since the beginning of time. Get yours now.

**"Then, how could I get my memory back?"**

**"Kairi's heart helped get rid of the darkness of your heart, resulting in your soul returning to you, and somehow also giving your body back, but not your full body. Roxas really was the majority of your body, so you weren't at full strength at that time."**

**"Then, why are Nobodies destinies to fade back to darkness?" Roxas asked.**

**"Oh…my…God. I really hate people saying that.**

Rika: *dons a helmet with a blast shield* Preparing for fan wank.

**I believe in the complete opposite. Nobodies aren't destined to fall back to darkness. In fact, they weren't even in the darkness to begin with.**

Kai: "They were in the closet."

**They are just wandering souls that are searching for their hearts. Nobodies can choose their own destiny. Like you, Roxas. You chose to return to Sora. Although, Nobodies could chose **_**not**_** to return to their other halves, but most choose to, because many people are prejudiced against them."**

Ashi: Because they…*in a melodramatic tone* ARE RACISTS!

Rika: Which is bad.

**"Okay…with that out of the way, what does this have to do with those people?" Sora asked.**

**"Woops. Sorry for getting sidetracked. When a Keyblade bearer becomes a Heartless, their souls gets tainted with darkness. WHICH IS BAD!**

Rika: *blinks* Huh. I feel dirty now.

**The Keyblader is never to become a Heartless! Keybladers were to have pure hearts, free of darkness. Similar to the Princesses of Heart. They can become Heartless, but (as said before) their souls get tainted. Their souls in 'heaven' then become whole with new bodies and hearts. That results in them becoming DarkSouls."**

**"DarkSouls?" Roxas asked.**

Kai: Sounds like something out of a Sonic game.

**"DarkSouls are the embodiment of pure evil. They seek other Keyblade bearers to kill them."**

**"WHAT?" Sora and Roxas exclaimed loudly.**

Ashi: "Because that totally isn't contrived at all!"

**"You know how Keybladers are supposed to be the most powerful warriors in the universe?**

Rika: …Since when?

**Well, DarkSouls want to be even stronger, so they kill other Keybladers to gain control of their Keyblades."**

**"Is that why there are so many Keyblades here?" Sora asked.**

**"Unfortunately, yes. Those Keyblades are the only remains of past Keyblade bearers.**

Kai: Yes, because their weapons are a part of a person's body when they die. Who writes this shit?

**There used to be one Keyblader for every world, but when a DarkSoul is created, the DarkSoul goes out killing every Keyblade bearer. This is the graveyard of past Keyblade bearers. This is also the place where the DarkSouls keep their other Keyblades."**

**"WAIT! I just realized that I became a Heartless!" Sora practically screamed.**

**NL sighed and said. "Yes. You have created the male DarkSoul. I'm really sorry."**

**"!" Sora screamed.**

Ashi: "Metal gear?"

**"Calm down! At least you didn't create those other two DarkSouls," NL tried to calm Sora. "Oh wait…your DarkSoul was able to taint two really powerful Keybladers into joining him."**

**"!" Sora screamed even louder.**

Kai: Again with the exclamation mark…. Hold on a second. I remember now. There used to be a really long "AAH" when this was first posted. What the hell happened to it?

Rika: From what I can tell, FanFiction has been futzing around with their site and some parts in stories got removed. *shrug* What can you do?

Kai: Well. That's annoying.

**"I don't think you're helping much," Roxas stated the obvious.**

**"You think? Anyway, on with the story. The two female bladders**

Ashi: I find it endlessly amusing how outdated this story is in comparison to the recent information provided from the games.

**were the most powerful blades during their time. However, Sora's DarkSoul used the power of darkness to also taint their hearts into working with him. The point of this story is not to tell you to fight them, but to WARN you about them. But I have some good news…I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to GEICO."**

Rika: Eh…not as funny this time, but it might have worked.

**Sora was still screaming, but listening, Roxas asked, "Ignoring the fact that you're too young to drive, does this mean that they are after us, Riku, and Mickey?"**

**"Yes, and including me," NL pulled out an Ultima Weapon Keyblade.**

**Sora stopped screaming long enough to shout with Roxas. "WHAT?"**

Rika: *spits out her drink* NO. NO. NO.

Ashi: The Gary-Stu levels are off the charts!

_**End of Chapter**_

_**A/N**_**: NL's outfit is like the combination of Danny Phantom's suit with Static from Static Shock's suit.**

Rika: HE CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH HIS OWN COSTUME?

*Kai and Ashi drag a kicking and swearing Rika out the theater*

* * *

Upon seeing the rather sorry states her three test subjects were in, Purity awkwardly scratched the side of her head. Rika would not stop fidgeting, Kuro looked queasy, and Ashi kept muttering nonsense about spelling and grammar. "Perhaps…this experiment worked _too_ well," she concluded.

"I won't go back, I tell ya! I won't!" Rika said, flailing her arms.

Purity sighed. "Very well. We'll come back to this experiment another time." A smirk grew on her face. "But I still have another story in-store for you next time."

"I doubt anything can be worse than having a Gary Stu self-insert fanfic," Kai said as he attempted to comfort Rika. Her failing arms, however, accidentally jabbed him in the midsection.

Purity's smirk grew into a sinister grin. "How about a story about the Gary Stu self-inserts being the main character along with his Internet friends?"

Ashi's mouth dropped, eyes bugged out, and looked ready to cry. After a brief moment of quiet whimpering, he finally stammered, "I want to go back in the theater."

* * *

Yes, this part of the story will be going on hiatus, but fear not! I bring you a new story ready for the riffing next time! However, I should point out that I did _not_ ask for permission to use the story I have picked out. Let's, uh…keep it between us, okay?

**CURRENTLY ACCEPTING FANFICTION SUBMISSIONS FOR RIFFING! MUST BE OFFERED BY ORIGINAL WRITER!**


	5. Butler Service Chapter 1

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_Next Sunday, A.D.,_

_There was this girl named Rika,_

_Not too different from you or me._

_She took a job she didn't like,_

_And tried to tell it to take a hike,_

_But gave up and took it in grace,_

_But then her enemies didn't like her so they shot her into space!_

_Rika: OH, COME ON?_

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_Way down in Deep 13,_

_Lady Purity and her Purifiers were hatching an evil scheme._

_They found a kid by the name of Kai,_

_A regular guy they thought should die._

_Their experiment needed a good test case,_

_So they conked him on the noggin and then shot him into space!_

_Kai: GET ME DOWN!_

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_Somewhere in time and space,_

_Ashi and his other pals are caught in a nasty place._

_They try to survive the wrath of Purity,_

_An evil gal who wants to rule the world._

_From her fortress below, she sets her sights above,_

_Just to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love!_

_Ashi: Now what?_

_Purity: We'll send them silly stories!_

_The Purifiers: The worst we can find!_

_(La-la-la!)_

_They'll have to sit and read them all,_

_And we'll monitor their minds!_

_(La-la-la!)_

_Now keep in mind that they can't control,_

_Where the stories begin or end._

_(La-la-la!)_

_Because the writer thought it'd be fun to follow this trend!_

_CHARACTER ROLE CALL:_

_T.O.M.!_

"_You're on!"_

_Rika!_

"_Bite me."_

_Kai!_

"_Why me?"_

_Ashiiiii!_

"_Who do I have to kill?"_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe and other science facts,_

_(La-la-la!)_

_Just repeat yourself, "It's just a MST,_

_I should really just relax!"_

_For **Unknown Science Theater 3000**!_

_(TWANG!)_

Rika sat by the control panel, flipping through her _Pop Culture Weekly_ magazine, and raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Lady Gaga released a new single. Wonder if it'll be as annoyingly catchy as the rest of 'em."

Suddenly, almost on cue, Ashi walked onto the bridge. "Hey, Rika, you know what we need around here?"

Rika lowered her magazine just enough to reveal her eyes. After waiting a few moments for Ashi to continue, she said, "What?"

Ashi's voice dropped to an almost reverential whisper as he said, "A robot."

Rika raised an eyebrow. "A robot?"

"A robot." He nodded solemnly. Pausing briefly to confirm what her lifelong friend had said to her, Rika asked a most understandable question:

"A robot?" Realizing she needed to be more specific, she added, "Why?"

"Well, we're in space. In a spacecraft. With all sorts of devices, gadgets and doo-dads you would normally find in a low-budget science fiction television program."

"Your point?" Rika asked as she rolled up her magazine and inserted it into her pocket.

"Then we're going to need a robot," Ashi said. He made random gestures with his hands, some of which Rika dared not to guess what they signified. "It'll take care of the cleaning; the maintenance of the Satellite of Love; and, most importantly, will be our robot buddy that will accompany us on the most daring of adventures – IN SPACE!"

Rika raised an eyebrow again, noting she should stop before she started spouting lines about logic. "We'll think about it." Hearing the sound of the view screen flashing on, Rika and Ashi turned their attention to Purity's deviously evil expression. "O hai, Purity," Rika said in a mock Tommy Wiseau accent. "How's your sex life?"

"Can the jokes, Itonami," Purity said. "We're skipping the Invention Exchange this week."

"Aw, but we prepared the collapsible ruler," Rika said as she held up said item.

"Actually, I think that's already been done," Ashi mused.

"Really? Damn." She tossed the ruler over her shoulder, smashing an unimportant glass computer screen.

"This week's experiment is found in the Cartoon X-over section of FanFiction," Purity said. "It is a self-insert –"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know. You told us last week," Rika grumbled. "Just name it."

Purity pouted, and crossed her arms. "It's Butler Service by DW64." Regaining her smile, Purity added, "Do try to not go mad _too_ quickly, dears."

Klaxon alarms rung as red and blue lights flashed all around the bridge. "We've got Story Sign!" Ashi shouted.

* * *

(Rika & Ashi enter the theater, and find Kai already there)

Rika: What are you doing in here?

Kai: Was watching _Summer Wars_. If I'm going to be subjected to crappy writing, I'm going in with a good mood.

Ashi: Good idea.

**DW: Well guys, it's time for me to write another original story.**

Kai: Didn't this guy steal some guy's jokes?

Rika: Yeah, I remember that too. Probably nobody we know. *winks*

**I would like to dedicate this story to DarkPaladinmon, Nukid and of course, all of the Author Fighters and I hope both of them enjoy this story.**

Ashi: Author Fighters? Sounds like something Dave Barry would come up with as a joke.

_**Butler Service**_

_**Summary: DW and Nukid are the most pitiful men in town.**_

Kai: At least we can agree on something.

_**But that's until they were both given jobs to work as butlers in a huge mansion filled with friendly but weird servants and a mysterious DarkPaladinmon as the mansion's chief.**_

Rika: Though he was more eccentrically mad than mysterious.

_**Rating: T**_

_**Chapter 1**_

**(Darren's POV)**

**Here I am, 20 years old and still pitiful. I never went to school, never had any real friends and definitely have never been in love. I live in a run-down house with my Aunt Tifa and my brother Nukid. We're laughingstocks in this pitiful town with pitiful people. Did I mention I'm pitiful?**

Kai: Oh, lord. Angst. I was not prepared for this.

_**'Ugh…'**_

Ashi: Goody! Even he knows he's annoying.

**I hate the smell of gasoline. Most people I know like it, but I just can't stand it.**

Rika: Who the hell likes the smell of gasoline besides arsonists?

**Tifa tried to start the car up. Fail.**

Rika: Our narrator, everyone! A whiny little bitch that's an asshole! This should be good.

**"Aunt Tifa, what on Earth made you think we were going to make it back? You **_**knew**_** the tank was nearly empty!"**

**"I'm sorry! I was in an… adrenaline rush! You can't blame me!"**

**"Sure I can!"**

Kai: Ah, what a way to start off a story. A family of three on a car ride somewhere. Ever notice how a movie that starts off with a family car ride, it usually sucks?

Ashi: Like what?

Kai: Like, say…_Manos_?

Ashi: Point taken.

**As I listened to Tifa and Nukid argue, I just leaned against our broken down Camry and thought of one thing. We're going to have to walk to the nearest gas station and beg for assistance.**

Rika: "Because it's not like gas stations are meant for towing out-of-gas cars!"

**But in a town like this; a town where **_**everyone**_** hates us,**

Kai: I don't blame them.

**that's not likely.**

**Might as well start walking home. That car was no good, anyway.**

Ashi: "Our car that's worth at least two-thousand dollars no matter how much a bad shape it is in is completely worthless! Just give it to some hobo!"

**"Darren, where are you going?" Nukid called out to me.**

**"Home."**

**The clouds collected in the sky above me. It was definitely about to rain. Things like this always happened to the three of us.**

Rika: Yes, DW. Even God hates you.

**Our life was… pitiful.**

**Wow, I've grown really fond of that word.**

Ashi: Really? We haven't notice! Ugh…

**Ever since our mother died, Nukid and I always had to take care of ourselves. Tifa didn't know her right from her left. I always wondered why mom left in her will for us to be taken under Tifa's wing, of **_**all**_**the 'wonderful' sisters she had.**

Kai: Disrespecting his family as well as his dead mother! Our protagonist, everyone!

**My Aunt Yoruichi, who, by the way is freaking rich would've been the much better choice.**

Rika: "Because money is everything!" Kid, grow up.

**All of my mother's relatives were much better choices, but she decided to stick us with Tifa. I hoped to any god out there that it wasn't because she wanted to teach us a **_**life lesson**_

Ashi: Ever think that maybe, I dunno…the rest of your family are assholes? Like you?

**, because you could hardly learn anything useful with a middle-aged single woman who things beer pong is the best game ever and has an addiction to anything **_**cheesy**_**… including our father Drake's hair. (Which she thinks is **_**cheesy**_**.)**

Rika: Well, from what you've told of Tifa so far, I think she's pretty awesome!

Kai: Cheesiness, HO! *pumps fist*

Ashi: Also, "THINKS beer pong…"

**Now you're probably wondering… now that I've mentioned my father, why aren't we staying with him? It's quite a long story, might I add, but I've got all the time in the world.**

Kai: Daddy issues. Why am I not surprised.

Rika: This kid's worse than Shinji Ikari.

**My house is about three hours away on foot, thirty minutes by driving. But since we don't have a car thanks to Miss No-Good-Bi- anyway…**

Ashi: Were you going to call your aunt a bitch? What an ungrateful little punk!

**my father. Drake Darkstar**

Rika: *snorts* Your last name is "Darkstar"?

**has to be the most stuck up man I know; in fact, he turned the entire town against us.**

Kai: …How the hell did he do THAT?

**He denied us being his sons when he became Mayor. Something about a **_**reputation**_**. He made **_**us**_** look stupid in front of the entire town when we would cry out, 'daddy, why don't you love us?' and made people think we were mental.**

Kai: No! No! I don't accept this! This is horseshit! I don't care that he's mayor! Since when was having kids important to a mayor's reputation? And, for that matter, why the hell would people turn against some kids for saying their dad doesn't love them? That's a huge political scandal!

Ashi: Then again, he _did_ allow DW to come into existence.

Kai: …I'd be ashamed, too.

**If mother were here, she would've **_**never**_** let something like that happen.**

Rika: "The mother I disrespected the memory of earlier!"

**But I think her death had a lot to do with his sudden… **_**change of heart**_**, so I try not to blame him too much.**

Kai: Ignoring the logic of your previous statement, why the hell NOT? He turned an entire town against you! I'd certainly be pissed.

**However, that excuse is getting really old now.**

**So without any real adults to show us in the right direction, Nukid and I have nothing.**

Kai: You didn't even bother explaining HOW Tifa neglected you! Did she not work? Pay the rent? Did she beat you? Give us something to sympathize for, asshole!

**We're probably going to be working stupid jobs for the rest of our lives, making minimum wage and if we're lucky, get some old apartment with barely any cracks in the walls and possibly some nice neighbors.**

Rika: "I try to make friends with the rats!"

Ashi: If you can afford a Camry, I doubt you're that poor.

**As Nukid and I walked down the street, (Tifa thought it would be wise to stop and ask for help in a town of lunatics)**

Kai: Because, you know, accusing people about problems you have yet to show us yet will make us _really_ care about your plight.

**the rain started to pick up. Before we knew it, we were soaked. I would say life couldn't get any worse, but in all honesty, it could. I'm a freaking jinx.**

**Oh gosh,**

Rika: "Gosh"? With such a wide vocabulary of yours that features the word "bitch", why limit yourself?

**why did I even have to **_**think**_** it?**

Ashi: Yes. Why did you? Could've saved us the annoyance.

**Just then, a limo raced by us, hitting a puddle and splashing us both. I stood there, completely soaked and was about to just break down and cry.**

Kai: *snorts* Are you serious? Nobody's that hilariously pathetic.

**Nukid, on the other hand was running after the limo screaming any curse words he could think of.**

**This was our life.**

Rika: *ahem* Sucks to be you! *sticks out pointer fingers and grins widely*

**But then, something strange happened.**

**The limo was going in reverse.**

**"SHIT!**

Rika: Oh, where was that word earlier?

**Nukes, what did you do?" I grabbed his wrist and ran for it, not getting very far. Tripping over air, (yes, I told you already, I'm pitiful)**

Kai: *groans* We get it…. Move on.

**I brought him down with me. The limo caught up with us and I could hear the window rolling down. This was it. We were dead.**

Ashi: How? It's just someone in a friggin' limo. What are they going to do? Have you arrested for yelling?

**"Are you alright?" A concerned voice asked.**

**I just laid there with my face in the concrete. The last thing I needed was some rich jackass making fun of me.**

Kai: I am so ready to punch this kid's teeth out, I swear to God…. Someone is showing you genuine care! Quit being a douche!

**But for some reason, the voice sounds more…feminine.**

Rika: "Women and men sound very similar to each other, you know? Look it up!"

**"Um…" I heard the car door open and footsteps. I immediately came to my senses, jumped up and got into a defensive stance.**

Kai: "Back off! I know Moron Fu!"

**However, that didn't last long because I was staring at some of the most beautiful, green eyes I had ever seen in my life.**

Ashi: A love interest? Seriously?

**The girl, probably 18 years old, approached us. She didn't seem to care about the rain. Wet, her hair dangled down in front of her face. She was wearing a beautiful light blue dress and her high heel shoes were probably really uncomfortable at this point because she stepped right through the puddle she splashed us with.**

**"Are you guys alright?"**

**I had never seen such… innocence…**

Rika, Kai & Ashi: *gagging sounds*

_**'No, it's a trap. She's going to reach out her hand, we're going to think she's trying to help us, then she's going to pull it back and laugh in our faces. Get a hold of yourself, Darren!'**_

Rika: "It probably has cooties anyway!"

Kai: Also, "Darren"? You used your real name? You're not even trying to hide the fact that this a self-insert, are you?

**Sure enough, she put out her hand to me.**

**Nukid slapped it. "We don't want your help!"**

**The girl looked at her hand and seemed really surprised. However, she didn't walk away.**

Ashi: Oh, lord. Please don't tell me this is one of those "help the downtrodden asshole and turn him good" stories….

**"Geez, Alicia! Why do you have to help every **_**useless stranger**_** we see?"**

Rika: Wow, you certainly love italics, don't you?

**I heard a car door slam on the other side and saw an orange haired girl**

Rika: *snickers* Orange? Who is she, Carrot Top?

**walking around.**

**"Sofia, these guys need our help. Give them that umbrella you're holding."**

**I finally got to my feet. I didn't like the comment she had just made about ****useless strangers****, so I wasn't buying their little act. The girl apparently named 'Sofia' groaned and handed us the umbrella, but of course, stubborn as we were, we refused.**

Kai: Good! You know you're assholes! Now get over yourself!

_**'Oh my gosh**_

Rika: There's that word again.

… _**why did they have to be so HOT?'**_

Rika: Ah, yes. What a wonderful thing to notice first about two girls: They're hot. *smiles* Jerk.

**Alicia held the umbrella over us anyway. Nukid and I both get ready to defend ourselves if they try anything stupid.**

Ashi: "Careful, bro! Two girls are too much for us to handle!"

Kai: "This is worse than the time that five-year-old took my lollipop!"

**Now that I thought about it, there was one good thing about Tifa; she taught us how to defend ourselves.**

Kai: The more I hear about Tifa, the more I think she's a cool guardian.

**Speaking of Tifa, where was she?**

**I think Alicia was finally getting the message that we didn't want to be bothered, so instead she quickly grabbed my arm and put the umbrella in my hand, holding onto my hand for a moment before letting go and smiled.**

**"You know what, Sofia?"**

**"What?" Sofia definitely just wanted to get out of here.**

**"I know it's sudden… and probably very unlikely since we just met and all, but…"**

Rika: "I think this guy is a huge asshole!"

**"Oh gosh, Alicia… you can't be thinking of taking them **_**home**_**!" Sofia groaned again.**

Kai: *eyes widen as he symbolically makes his limp finger – erect*

**"No! Well… sort of… but not in the way you're thinking!"**

**"Oh, right. Like I need to hear anymore **_**moaning**_** sounds coming from your room…"**

Ashi: *fidgeting in his chair, tugging on his collar*

Rika: *rolls her eyes at the both of them*

**"What?" Nukid shrieked.**

**"No, no, no! Just listen!" Alicia pleaded.**

**I wasn't sure what to do at the moment. Should I run?**

Kai: Okay, that decides it. The kid's asexual.

**"Let's just let them stay with us for a while. They don't seem to have a place to go to…"**

Rika: *snickers* I like this girl.

**"Hey!" I yelled, getting a little pissed off.**

**"I mean, I'm sure your parents won't mind letting their sons—"**

**"Alright, alright! Just put them in the car! Let's go! I'm tired of this rain!"**

**"You'll have to excuse my sister… she's very impatient." Alicia said, grinning uneasily.**

Kai: Wait, she's your sister? Then why did you say, "your parents" earlier? I'll hold back on saying this is a plot hole for now since it might mean she's adopted or something, but really. What the hell?

**"We're not going **_**anywhere**_** with you!" Nukid said.**

**As much as it intrigued me to know what kind of place they lived in, the situation just seemed a little fishy. For all we knew, they could be whores.**

Rika: *eye twitches*

Kai: Oh, boy. He said the "w" word.

Rika: *gripping her seat's armrests with enough intensity to tear the stitching and cause the fluff to fall out – but smirks* Whores, you say? Whores…because, you know, girls who dress nicely and one is nice to you makes them "whores." WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

(Kai & Ashi attempt to restrain Rika before she could destroy the theater)

**"What's going on here?"**

**Tifa was standing behind us. Nukid quickly ran over to her and hid behind her.**

**"These girls were trying to kidnap us and make us their sex slaves!" Nukid lied.**

**"What? No! That's not it at—" Before we knew it, Alicia was knocked out on the ground.**

**"Tifa!" I shrieked, immediately rushing to the unconscious girl's side.**

Ashi: Yeah, what a terrible guardian. Someone who defends you from being kidnapped and being made sex slaves (albeit, it not being the actual situation)…. Rika?

Rika: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

**Sofia didn't dare to step forward. Instead, she got back into the limo. Surprisingly, the limo drove off without Alicia.**

_**'Some sister she is…'**_** I thought to myself.**

**I turned my attention back to Alicia who was knocked out cold. Tifa had kicked her in the face**

Rika: She ain't cute anymore!

**and probably punched her a few times; who knew. I lifted her onto the sidewalk as Nukid and Tifa watched, confused. For some reason, I felt like I had to help her.**

Kai: "It's almost like I'm not a complete jerk-hole!"

**"They were trying to help us," I said, "at least… Alicia was."**

**Tifa giggled. "Oops!"**

**Man, I can't stand her sometimes.**

Ashi: *opens, but then closes it again after a thought* I'm not going to repeat myself.

**I carried her all the way home.**

**END OF CHAPTER**

Kai: Um…wow. You know, NL may have been a massive Gary Stu, but at least he wasn't a dislikable asshole about it.

Rika: *still fuming*

Ashi: I can only imagine how much worse this can get.

* * *

This story was very unpleasant for me to riff, to be quite honest…

**CURRENTLY ACCEPTING FANFICTION SUBMISSIONS FOR RIFFING! MUST BE OFFERED BY ORIGINAL WRITER!**


	6. Butler Service Chapter 2

Realizing I'm not capturing the spirit of _Mystery Science Theater_ as much as I have hoped, I'm going to be making a conscious effort to make more comedic riffs rather than getting pissed…. Unless it's something I really can't ignore and I need to point out. So, I'm not changing that much at all. Blah.

**

* * *

DW: Here's the next chapter. Enjoy.**

Ashi: I'm sure we won't.

_**Chapter 2**_

_**Darren's POV**_

Kai: Thanks for the update, story! Never would've realized we'd still be following the main character!

**With the help of Tifa, we were able to carry Alicia all the way to our house and lay her down on the couch. (After moving all the bills and junk off of it.)**

Rika: "We tend to steal other people's mail."

**I felt a need to clean up a little so she didn't think we were complete losers when she woke up, but most of it couldn't be helped.**

Kai: "Some have taken a life of their own and took over the kitchen."

**Since we had no cable (damn cable company…)**

Ashi: Because, you know, cable companies suck for asking for payment.

**all we could really do is sit in silence and watch her, which I was perfectly fine with because she was the most… okay, I won't finish that.**

Rika: Creepiness? What's that?

**We all changed into dry clothes, got washed up some and sat back in the living room.**

**Nukid had calmed down a little and was starting to accept the fact there was actually a **_**girl**_** in our house.**

Kai: "Except myself, for I lacked the correct genitals."

**He had been teased by women for so long that he grew **_**immune**_** to them**

Rika, Kai & Ashi: *collective face palm*

Ashi: Misogynists! Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

**; at least I think he has, because I've **_**never**_** heard him say anything positive about a girl (Except Tifa).**

Kai: "Oh, but she's still a terrible guardian!"

**Me, on the other hand,I had no problem with girls.**

Rika: "This is why I was such a jerk to her earlier! Ain't I nice guy?"

**I think they are a bit more friendlier**

Ashi: "More friendly!"

**than guys.**

**I really hope Nukid's not a gay. Oh **_**GOD**_** I hope not…**

Ashi: Homophobes! Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

Kai: Also, way to write a tribute for your friend. Hoping they're not gay. *face palm*

**But just because a guy who despises the other gender and won't even go near them doesn't make him a gay. I shouldn't judge.**

Rika: Huh. Maybe we're being a bit harsh on the guy…

_**'Shit, if he's a gay I'm going to kill myself!'  
**_  
Rika: …You know what? I think I'll just keep my mouth shut.

(collective face-palm)

**Anyway…**

**So Tifa decided to cook, something she hasn't done in years.**

Rika: "Do try to keep her from doing that 'brain on drugs' PSA, won't you?"

**It was probably out of pure boredom or the fact that there was a guest here. We **_**never**_** get guests besides Tifa's gambling friends that come over every Friday for a game of Bingo (don't ask)**

Ashi: I love bingo!

Kai: Tifa's awesome!

**and some other games I'm too young to know about, apparently.**

Ashi: "Twenty years old and I'm still too young! Guess it's 'cause I dropped out of the fourth grade."

Rika: *snickers* That's certainly up to par with his writing skills.

**Even then, they're all too drunk to care about food and such so Tifa doesn't even bother. Nukid usually makes dinner and his food taste way better than Tifa's. Maybe he could be the next Chef Ramsay.**

Kai: Swearing up a storm and throwing expensive china dishes everywhere. I can see that.

**Alicia stirred on the couch and finally opened her beautiful**

Rika: *gags*

**green eyes. I felt my stomach twist as she looked over at us. Nukid curled up into a ball in the rocking chair, refusing to look at her.**

Ashi: I am endlessly amused how he keeps trying to make them seem like angst-ridden teenagers, when they're clearly stated earlier to be past the age of eighteen. Gets pretty silly.

**"What… happened?" She asked. "Where am I?"**

**'**_**Inn-oh-CENCE!'**_** My subconscious screamed, making me squirm in her presence.**

Kai: "Virgins are deadly to hell spawn like me!"

**Alicia sat up and looked around. "Oh, you're up!" Tifa said from the kitchen, holding up the spatula and smiling cheesily. "Just in time! I was making some… some…"**

**"You don't even know what you're making?" Nukid jolted over to the kitchen and took over. Tifa merely laughed it off.**

Rika: Again, what's wrong with her? She's cool! If we're talking about someone like Misato from _Evangelion_…

Ashi: Please don't bring that show up again.

**Alicia let out a nervous laugh, but she still wanted to know what was going on.**

Rika: "Just laugh and slowly back toward the door…"

**"Last I remember I was in the rain… talking to you…"**

**"Sorry for kicking you." Tifa said, taking a seat in the rocking chair Nukid was previously in.**

**"Ki-kicking me?" Alicia rubbed her own cheek and noticed it hurt. "Oh… ouch…"**

Kai: "Normally I'd have a broken jaw right now; but, thanks to the art of bad writing, I'm just sore!"

**Her eyes met mine but as quickly as they did they shot off in another direction.**

Ashi: That's right. Advert your eyes from the asshole.

**She also noticed the towel we had given her, since she was still in her wet clothes.**

**We didn't want to change her!**

Kai: "They clung to her body ever so nicely…"

**Well, **_**I**_** did, but Nukid begged me not to.**

_**'Damn you…'**_

**Okay, hormones… calm down…**

Rika: "I'm hornier than a Chihuahua on placebos!"

**"And you actually brought me home?" Alicia seemed astounded we would even do such a thing.**

Ashi: Call the cops!

**"I'm… grateful…"**

Ashi: That…works…too. I guess?

**"Don't worry, I'm really nice once you get to know me." Tifa grinned.**

**I wanted to shoot her.**

Kai: Funny! We feel the same way for you! Except, in your case, *mimes cocking a gun* you exist!

**Alicia wrapped the towel around herself and smiled softly. "By the way, I never caught your names. I'm Alicia Ribery."**

Ashi: Ribery? Must be made out of McRibs.

**"The name's Tifa Lockheart."**

Rika: Wow. He didn't even spell her name right. Shall I file this under "did not do the research"?

Kai: Nah. The cabinet's contents have already flooded the hull.

**Alicia nodded and looked over at me. I froze.**

**"And… yours?"**

**"Oh! How cute! He's blushing!" Tifa broadcasted.**

**Okay, where's my gun…**

Ashi: An inner desire to murder his family! Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!

**"D-Darren…Darren Watson…"**

Rika: Okay, I know for a fact that his last name is…well, it wouldn't be proper to give it, but that's not it. What's the point of changing it, though? Plus, YOU'RE NOT WHITE.

**"Darren?" Alicia repeated. I nodded to confirm.**

**"And that's my brother, Nukid in the kitchen."**

**"Mm. Well, it's nice to meet you all!" Alicia said happily. Gosh, could she GET any cuter?**

Kai: "Gosh, I swear often and I have murderous thoughts, but I'm still just a child at heart who doesn't know any better. Gosh!" *groans*

**"Alicia, are you hungry or anything?" Tifa asked, heading over to the kitchen.**

**"Oh… now that you mention it…" She paused. "How long was I out for?"**

**"About two hours or so." Tifa answered.**

**"Wow… you hit hard."**

**"Twenty years of martial arts training would do anyone some good."**

Rika: "And steroids. Can't forget the steroids."

**"Wow, really? I've always wanted to learn—"**

**"Dinner's ready!" Nukid yelled, immediately rushing off to his room nervously and shutting the door.**

**"He's shy." I said.**

Ashi: "He thinks cooties are like Ebola. What a kidder!"

Kai: "They're like smallpox."

**Tifa, Alicia and I gathered into the kitchen. There was corn, some leftover meat and green beans. Okay, not the best in the world but remember, we're poor. Alicia didn't seem to mind, however. She ate happily and accepted everything we offered. (Except for Tifa's alcohol)**

Ashi: "Which was all laced with Rohypnol."

**But I couldn't help but think that it felt like a whole new world to her.**

Rika, Kai & Ashi: _I can show you the world!_ _Shining, shimmering, splendid!_

Rika: Had to be done.

**I saw her in that limo—I know only rich people can afford limos.**

Kai: "Which is why I thought they were whor…" *notices Rika looked askance* Right.

**Wherever she comes from must be twenty-thousand times better than here. When she leaves she'll just forget all about us and go back to her perfect life…**

Rika: "Maybe I should hold her for ransom."

**"I've never had such a… simple meal." Alicia said.**

Ashi: "Now I know why I don't have them."

**"What do you mean?" Tifa questioned.**

**"Uhh…"**

**An awkward silence crept up on us all**

Kai: Quick! Someone drop a fork!

**, but Alicia knew just how to break it.**

**"Miss Tifa, may I talk to you in private?" She asked standing up. She nodded and followed her outside**

Ashi: With that wording, it sounds like Alicia is the one nodding. TRY HARDER.

Kai: *mutters* Grammar Nazi.

Ashi: You prefer the crap writing?

Kai: Point.

**, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I heard Nukid's door open.**

**"Why are you hiding?" I asked.**

**"Does she like the food?" Nukid asked quietly, twiddling his fingers.**

Rika: Resisting…urge…to make…autism joke…due to…possibility…he is…

**I nodded slowly, adding a smile so he'd feel better. It worked and he jumped for joy**

Kai: Wow! He got over his fear of women quickly.

Ashi: Yeah. They're pretty fleeting things, phobias.

**, finally joining us—or, me at the table.**

**"Where'd they go?"**

**Before I could answer, Alicia and Tifa returned. Tifa looked very excited.**

Rika: "I sold you to the circus!"

Kai: Don't do that. Tifa's the only character I like!

Rika: Right, right. My bad…

**"First we have to change you out of those clothes. You can't go back looking like **_**that**_**."**

**I had forgotten that Alicia was **_**still**_** wearing her wet clothes, which were probably dry by now.**

Ashi: Thanks for the update? No…wait? Tifa was talking to Alicia? Your wording is atrocious, boy!

**She looked damn good though…**

Rika: Yes, because all men are perverts.

**"I have a T-shirt and sweat pants that won't be too bad." Tifa hurried to her room.**

**"Oh, you're out." Alicia said**

Ashi: You turn the period into a comma when you do quotes!

Rika: If you're going to point out all the grammar mistakes, we'll be stuck here all day, dear.

Ashi: Ugh…

**to Nukid, who tensed up in a heartbeat. "The dinner was good." She added.**

**"T-T-T-Thank you!"**

Kai: "Women are suddenly interesting to me!"

**"Guys, get ready!" Tifa said, bringing Alicia back some clothes.**

**"Ready for what?" I stood up.**

**"We're going on a little… vacation." Tifa said.**

Rika: Yes. "Vacation," is what they call a trip to the county jail these days, right?

**"WHAT?" I yelled, but calmed down when Alicia looked my way.**

**'Vacation' was **_**not**_** in a poor person's vocabulary.**

**BUTLER SERVICE**

Rika: Huh?

Kai: What?

Ashi: Wait?

Rika: Wow, transitions certainly have gotten stupider.

**I had never been in a limo before…**

…**next to a cute girl, especially.**

Kai: Ugh, okay! We get it! You're poor, she's cute, and you're an idiot! Can we get to the plot?

**Wait, I thought Tifa was going with us. Why is she standing outside and waving?**

**"Have fun, guys!"**

Rika: "Yeah, wasn't kidding about the circus thing."

**"What? No! Don't leave me! Let me out!" Nukid fought with the door.**

**Must be child's lock.**

Ashi: Um…wow. Way to mock your friend.

**"Don't worry. This will be… fun!" Alicia said happily.**

Rika: And that was when they spotted the horns atop her head.

**"Alicia, where are you taking us?" Nukid shrieked. "I don't want to go anywhere! Let me out!"**

Kai: Jeez, calm down, kid. It's only the total abandonment of your previous life.

**Alicia didn't answer. Even I was a little afraid at this point. Tifa wasn't the smartest person in the world, remember?**

Kai: Yeah, which you illustrated for us EVER SO WELL.

**Alicia could've lied to her and was really kidnapping us…**

Ashi: Kid, you're twenty-friggin'-years-old. You shouldn't be that helpless.

**As we drove away, I could hear Nukid crying on the other side of Alicia.**

Kai: God! You're both over eighteen (assuming for Nukid)! Quit crying! It's creepy!

**Every time she tried to comfort him he smacked her hand away and tried to scoot farther away—even though he couldn't. Alicia just left him alone after a while.**

Rika: Dammit, DW, why are you making your own friggin' friend a dill weed?

**"So… why did your sister ditch you like that?" I asked.**

**"She's only worried about herself. I'm used to it." Alicia said casually.**

**"Complete opposites, eh?"**

**Alicia shrugged. "You could say that."**

Kai: "While she's a giant coward, I'm an insane serial killer. Want to see my knife? I call her Stabby!"

**Looking out the tinted window, I could see a huge hill. As my eyes traveled up the hill, they became set on the biggest house I had ever seen in my life.**

Ashi: "ARGH! How'd my eyes come out?"

**All of a sudden it got dark.**

Rika: "I shouldn't have made baby Jesus cry!"

Ashi: Eww…

**"Ahh! What's happening? Where are we?" Nukid panicked.**

**Lights came on. We were in some sort of a garage. Wait, wasn't the mansion **_**on top**_** of the hill?**

Kai: Good question!

**"We can take the elevator from here." Alicia said.**

**"Elevator?"**

**The chauffer opened the door for us. Alicia walked over to the red elevator**

Kai: *jaw drops, sticking hands out desperately for answers* Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-?

**and signaled for us to come alone. "Don't be afraid. It won't bite."**

**Nukid and I cautiously walked over to her.**

Rika: No! Where'd the elevator come from? How'd you not notice you were entering a garage? WHY ARE WE STILL READING THIS?

Ashi: *slaps her*

Rika: *slaps him back*

**There was a ringing sound and the door opened. Alicia let us in first and then came in.**

Ashi: I'm not going to even BOTHER explaining keeping your tenses straight to you….

**She pressed the only button on there which read, 'Up.'**

Rika: A movie I'd much rather be watching right now and forget this story even existed.

**I leaned against the golden rail. Nukid jumped once we started going up. Alicia was calm and probably laughed at Nukid a few times from all the **_**excitement**_**.**

Ashi: "I said in italics because he really seemed to be getting off on it."

**Where was she taking us? Why did we even agree to do this?**

Kai: You didn't! *face palm* You can't even remember what you wrote two paragraphs ago?

**"Any time now…"**

**After what seemed like an eternity of wondering where the hell we were going, the elevator stopped. The door opened and Alicia walked out.**

**I couldn't believe my eyes.**

Rika: "It's a chocolate factory!"

**White-tiled floors sparkled in front of us; beautiful paintings that only the richest people in the world would have were spread out on the walls,**

Ashi: Why would you use a semicolon and then a regular comma later?

Kai: Ashi, relax! Do I need to bring in Mr. Smiley?

Ashi: *shutters* No. I'm good.

**a huge chandelier hung over us lighting the entire room, (if that fell on anyone they would definitely die… okay, enough with sadistic thoughts…)**

Rika: A sadist! Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!

**and there were stairs on both sides that met up at a small balcony that overlooked the place.**

Kai: "Just like every other mansion in every other film or story that featured one! How SPECIAL!"

**I was afraid my dirty shoes would mess up the floor.**

**"Come on!" Alicia tugged us out of the elevator. I heard it go back down.**

Ashi: Uh, thanks for letting us know?

**"Uhm… Alicia, why are we here?" I asked.**

Kai: "Which I totally could have asked earlier in the limo, but didn't!"

**"Oh, you're… back." We whirled around and saw Sofia standing there.**

Ashi: Wow, she can teleport. Wonder if they're related to Nightcrawler?

**"And you brought them after all."**

**"Yup! Hey, where's Chief?"**

_**'Chief?'**_** I repeated in my head.**

Rika: "He's telling Batman about the Joker's whereabouts."

Kai: Ah…eh, screw it. Close enough.

**Nukid hid behind me. God, he's such a coward.**

Kai: Wow. Aren't you such a nice friend to come up with saying your friend is a coward. Ha-ha-ha! …Fuck you.

**"He's in his room right now. Why?" Sofia raised an eyebrow.**

**"Great! Keep them company!" Alicia dashed for the stairs.**

**"Wait, what?" Sofia said, but Alicia was already upstairs.**

**Awkward. Silence.**

Ashi: I. Like. One. Word. Sentences.

**"Sofia, you really need to start taking care of yourself. You get drunk so easily. You left your panties in my room again."**

Kai: Oh, yes. Having your characters talking about being drunk and their undergarments makes for a really mature story.

_**'Girl with green hair say what?'**_

**Sofia's eyes widened. She turned around, grabbed her **_**white panties**_

Rika: *shaking head in disbelief* _From where?_

**and shoved them in one of her many pockets, which half of it still hung out some and was blushing a deep red.**

Kai: *opens mouth, but then closes it and waves hand* Screw it.

**"Oh, hello, guys. What brings you here?"**

Ashi: Wow, pretty casual talk to two guys you just met.

Kai: Rich people don't believe in formality.

**"We're… not sure…" I answered, because I knew Nukid was as stiff as a pole at the moment at the sight of yet another girl.**

Rika: "Oh, and she's totally hot. With big boobs. And went commando. DID I MENTION SHE'S HOT?"

**"Alicia brought them. Who knows." Sofia said, still sounding a bit frustrated at the appearance of the slightly older girl.**

_**'Is she… a lesbian?'**_** I wondered.**

Rika, Kai & Ashi: *collectively smashing their heads against the chairs in front of them*

**"Ah. I see. Listen, Alicia loves to do it under the moonlight."**

Rika: *throws hands up* I give up.

**I gulped. "R-right…"**

**"By the way, name's C.C. But you can call me C2."**

Ashi: *holds up a Yorick skull* What is a name, but a letter and a number?

**"Pleasure..." I shook her hand nervously.**

**Just then we heard a door slam above us.**

**"WOOHOO!" Alicia came sliding down the rail, finishing with a spin in the air and bowing.**

**"Okay, what drugs are you on?" Sofia asked.**

Kai: Drugs. Sex. Alcohol. Asshole protagonists. Wow, this story sure is mature! Never mind discussions of social issues, Freudian backstories, or desires for a life that's better than your own and then realizing they were perfectly happy thanks to character growth! This is where it's at! Forget _Citizen Kane_! _Casablanca_, who? Move aside, _To Kill a Mockingbird_! Make way for _Butler Service_! GOD. I HATE THIS STORY.

**"Hold on just a minute."**

**We all looked up. All of a sudden I felt like my life had been drained out of me.**

Kai: GOOD! DIE IN A FIRE!

Rika: *slaps duct tape over his mouth* Now calm down before I have to give you tape burn like you won't believe!

**A man dressed in purple armor was coming down the stairs. His red eyes pierced into us, particularly Nukid and I like daggers.**

Ashi: I like daggers, too! *face-palm* Word yourself correctly!

**Okay, I haven't even written my will yet. I don't want to die…**

Ashi: *grumble* Keep it in past tense…

**"These two?" His voice was deep but calm.**

**"Yup!" Alicia saluted, probably for no reason.**

**"What are your names?"**

**We straightened up immediately. I **_**really**_** didn't want to die.**

Kai: *rips off the duct tape* Grow some balls! *winces* OW.

**"Darren 'DW' Watson. And this is my brother, Monkey 'Nukid' D. Matt."**

Rika: "We have different last names because shut up."

**"DW and Nukid…**

Kai: "Isn't the first one a girl's name?"

**Alicia has requested for you to stay here. Give me one good reason why I should let you."**

**"She did… what?" I asked, slowly turning my head to glare at Alicia.**

**"Sir," Nukid got in front of me and bowed respectfully, "We don't know why she would do such a thing but we're not interested in staying here!"**

**The man raised his eyebrow and examined us for a while.**

Ashi: "Well, you're both morons…"

**He then let out a huge sigh. "Too bad."**

Kai: "We were just about to throw a massive orgy."

Ashi: Hypocrite much?

Kai: This is different. We're riffing! *thumbs up*

**Alicia came over to plead with us. Why the hell does she want us here in the first place?**

**"Please? You two helped me out so much and I feel like this is the only way I can repay you!**

Rika: "That concussion you gave me tells me I should repay you!"

**You'll get your own rooms, live a life of luxury and—"**

Ashi: "A lifetime subscription to Life magazine! Mine you, they're all going to be about Miley Cyrus…"

**"Alicia, that's enough." Chief said.**

**Alicia obeyed her 'master' and stepped aside.**

Kai: Huh. Maybe they are – *Rika's hands wring his neck*

**"You two look like you need some help." Chief said bluntly without really realizing what he said.**

Ashi: No, I'm sure he did.

**"I can make you the richest boys alive."**

Rika: Who are you, Warren Buffett?

**"Are we… the only boys here?"**

**"No, of course not. We DO have boys living here." Alicia said. She was shushed immediately.**

Kai: "Don't tell them about the slave mines!"

**"I pay for all your health insurance, college wishes, travel expenses… anything you want."**

Ashi: What happened to "Too bad"?

**"He sure does!" Alicia grinned.**

**"Shut up!"**

Kai: Good lord, people, are you ALL assholes?

**Now I was starting to reconsider. Maybe this **_**was**_** a pretty good chance to get on our feet.**

Rika: Anyone else getting _Hayate the Combat Butler_ flashbacks?

**"How many… people live here?" I asked.**

**The Chief pulled out a small red button and pressed it. Nothing happened.**

Kai: He pushed the button! Let's get out of here! *Rika catches his sleeve, throwing him back into his seat*

**Apparently though something **_**did**_** happen**

Ashi: No shit?

**, because I saw people coming from different directions.**

**One, two, three… seven, eight… eleven…**

**I counted as they kept multiplying. Boys and girls, probably 14 to 21 years old.**

Rika: Let me guess…

**The girls are FREAKING HOT.**

Rika: Someone kill me.

**The Chief counted the teenagers and young adults as they lined up horizontally in front of him. "Where is Kamina?" He snapped.**

Ashi: Kamina! No! Why are you doing here? You're too good for this crap!

**"Sir! He is out at the moment, remember?" A boy with spiky brown hair said.**

Kai: Well, that certainly ain't vague.

**"DW, Nukid, come here."**

**We didn't dare to disobey and faced all eleven. This 'Chief' really knew how to put them in line, because they just stared straight ahead without saying a word. Alicia wasn't even moving, which for some reason surprised me.**

Kai: Heh, get it? 'Cause she's hyper? *groans*

**Starting on the right side with Sofia, the Chief told them to introduce themselves.**

**"Name is Sofia Scotts. I'm 18 years old."**

**"Allen Walker. 15 years old."**

Ashi: …You're kidding me? You have to be. You're not going to…

**"Call me Tsuna Sawada." The boy that spoke earlier said. "I'm 14."**

Ashi: Dammit, man! You don't introduce characters like this en masse!

**"Lelouch Lamperouge, 17 years old."**

**"You already met me. I'm C2, I'm ageless." She winked.**

Kai: *spits out his drink* What?

**"Lucy Heartphilia. I'm 17 years old."**

Kai: No one is surprised by this?

**"Lacus Clyne, 18 years old."**

**A girl with orange hair blew us a kiss. "I'm 18 years old. My name is Nami."**

**"Pleased to meet you, I'm Maria Scotts. I'm 18."**

**I saw Nukid blush at the sight of her and chuckled.**

Rika: Yeah, it's like he never even had a problem!

**"And you know me! I'm Alicia Ribery!" Alicia gave yet another cheesy smile. "18 also."**

**The last person was a bit standoff-ish. "Claire 'Lightning' Farron. Don't mess with me."**

**"And you may call me, your master, Chief. But my real name is DarkPaladinmon."**

Rika, Kai & Ashi: *burst out laughing, pointing fingers*

**"Well… I'm Darren."**

**"And I'm Nukid!"**

**So here we were, standing in front of eleven good looking boys and extremely hot girls, wondering what to do next. I knew Nukid didn't really want to stay, (well, maybe he did he just didn't want to admit it) but in the long run I thought this could be good for us. However, its either we both stay or neither of us.**

Ashi: How do you know?

**I turned to Nukid.**

Ashi: Not going to explain, huh? Okay…

**"Well? What are we going to do?" I whispered. Nukid looked over at the guys and girls one more time, setting his eyes on Maria longer than any other girl and then turned back to me.**

**He nodded.**

**Oh my goodness, he actually **_**wants**_** to stay?**

Kai: Who NEEDS character development when you have plot contrivance?

**After pondering for another moment, I finally came to a decision.**

**"Alright, we'll be happy to stay here."**

Rika: "It's not like we need to know WHY we're here or anything!"

Kai: Plot contrivance! *jazz hands*

**"YAY!" Alicia cried out happily.**

**"Are you sure?" Chief asked.**

**"Yes, Sir."**

**"Everyone, let's welcome Darren Watson and Nukid into our home, then."**

**The guys and girls started walking up to us; even I was starting to get a little nervous. I shook most of their hands; Lightning and Lelouch didn't want to for some reason.**

Ashi: "Probably because I haven't taken a shower in two months."

**"Allen, go fetch their work clothes." Chief said.**

**"Wait, **_**work clothes**_**?" I gave him a confused look.**

**"Well you don't think you can stay here for free, do you?**

Rika, Kai & Ashi: Doiiiiiiiii?

**All of these people work for me and you will too."**

**"Fair enough." Nukid said.**

**"Whoa, you talked normally for once!" Alicia poked his nose.**

**"Hey! Don't touch me!" Nukid shrieked.**

Kai: …I just realized. He's playing his gynophobia – for laughs. I'm sorry, but you're making jokes about a severe crippling fear of women? What's wrong with you?

**Allen came back carrying a box. He gave it to me and bowed, keeping his distance.**

**I opened it. Inside was what looked like a suit of some sort. Together, Nukid and I pulled out the suits and then looked at them.**

**Nukid and I then look at each other and we both sighed.**

**Welcome to our new lives…**

Rika: Simple Plan's lawyers will be calling in the morning.

**END OF CHAPTER**

Rika: I feel sick.

Kai: I feel worse.

Ashi: I think I developed massive depression.

* * *

I REALLY don't like this story…

**CURRENTLY ACCEPTING FANFICTION SUBMISSIONS FOR RIFFING! MUST BE OFFERED BY ORIGINAL WRITER!**


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